Maybe you or someone you know has recently experienced the pain of losing both parents. Here are a few tips to help with the grieving process.
The sense of loss that haunts the adult orphan can be enormous. They feel hurt, alone, abandoned, and even depressed. There are some things that can be done to help ease the pain, but the grieving process is a long one and not something that can be rushed.
Helping a Loved One
If you’re the friend of someone who has recently lost both parents, just letting them know that you are there for them if they need you will give them a lifeline. Acknowledge their pain and reassure them that it’s okay to grieve.
Having done that, resist the urge to push them to talk about the loss. The grieving process is unique to the person experiencing it. Allow them their privacy when they ask for it and don’t try to force them to do anything. Be the safe person they can lean on.
Realize that there may be mood swings. Expect anger, tears, and lashing out. Remember that they are not really upset with you. Their subconscious is trying to process the loss. Be patient.
Avoiding Depression
As an orphan, there will be times where you don’t even feel like getting out of bed, but do try. You may want to wallow in the grief, but understand that wallowing is only going to make you feel worse. Reach inside and take your inner child by the hand and help them up.
It’s okay to feel sad about your loss. Acknowledge your feelings. Have a good cry. Take a long walk. Throw rocks in a pond. Bake a batch of cookies from your mom’s favorite recipe. Take one day at a time and you will slowly begin to feel a little more in control.
It’s easy to let yourself be pulled down into the spiral of depression, but if, after a few weeks, you still don’t seem able to focus on things that once interested you, consider speaking with a counselor or join a grief support group. You may even want to speak with your doctor.
Get active and exercise, even if its just walking or riding a bike. Exercise releases endorphins into the body that help you feel and sleep better. It’s also a great way to alleviate stress. Find a buddy to work out with you and talk about whatever comes up.
Have a cookout and invite your friends. Take a daytrip somewhere. Check out some of the local events and activities around town. Find a local group or cause you can support and volunteer to help out. By helping others you redirect your focus in a more positive direction and feel good doing it.
Healing the Wounds
There are going to be times where you seem to take a step backwards. You may have been doing okay for weeks or months, and then you’ll have a bad day. This is normal. Develop ways to tackle it when it rears its ugly head.
Try writing out your feelings, or write a letter to your parents. Write down everything that you’ve been doing or wish that they’d been there for. Tell them that you miss them. Then break out the tissues and have a good cry.
Remember all of the positive moments you had with your parents and commit it to memory so that the next time you’re feeling low, you can remind yourself of the good times. It’s a long road to travel, but by tapping into your support network and techniques it can be a little less painful.
The copyright of the article Adult Orphans: Managing the Grief in Personal Development is owned by Beverly Hill. Permission to republish Adult Orphans: Managing the Grief in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
I had not heard it described this way, but it is exactly how I feel. I
told my daughter as we were driving home after my daddy passed away, that I
was an orphan. She said I was just being silly. But that is exactly the
way that I feel. I am having such a hard time. I lost mom 3 years ago but
was unable to mourn her because we had to keep daddy occupied, upbeat and
busy so now I feel like I am double mourning. I am mourning both of them
at the same time. I am seeing a therapist that is helping me through the
holidays. I just couldn't make it on my own.
Nov 11, 2008 11:20 AM
Guest :
I am also!! It helped me to keep mom occupied for 4 years! But now, the
double mourning. And I have 2 siblings that seem to have moved on. It's
been a year for mom and 4 for dad. In fact, the siblings are the issues i
am dealing with. One is so very cold about it. He is very hurtful to me.
The other sibling just runs off overwhelmed. I am female so I am kind of
stuck - alone. No kids. I am there too. I mean i don't know how you feel.
But i read your words and was touched :) Take care - I hope your holidays
aren't too very difficult :)
Dec 13, 2008 9:32 PM
Guest :
My Mum died 6 months ago and about a month after I fell into a real
depression-just so flat and not interested in anything and getting no joy
from life. It really scares me and feels as if it will never end.I hate the
thought of Christmas. As she was 90 and suffering we were glad to see her
at peace so I didn't expect this huge reaction .Is it grief or am I just
becoming a depressed person?
Apr 4, 2009 11:16 AM
Guest :
Lost mom in 07 dad in o1- Their deaths, their absence from my life and
the sadness and void are I feel are unreal
Aug 5, 2009 6:20 PM
Guest :
To 'Guest' who said:
"Lost mom in 07 dad in o1- Their
deaths, their absence from my life and the sadness and void are I feel are
unreal"
Help others and fill your life with love,
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
Love leaves a memory
no one can steal.
Aug 15, 2009 3:17 AM
Guest :
I lost my mom and 6 weeks later my dad a little over a year ago, I can't
seem to get a handle on it. At times I don't think it's real I feel so
lost. I have a wonderful husband and 3 children but I don't think they
really understand how hard this has been on me and how I feel.
Sep 19, 2009 11:09 AM
Guest :
I am 46--I wish I had a wife, girlfriend, kids, etc., etc to cushion the
loss..Friends only assist to a degree...
Oct 6, 2009 2:58 PM
Guest :
I lost my Dad in 2002 to a long illness so I had time to prepare myself
that he was going to past,well as much as you can. My Mom had a sudden
massive stroke in 2007 and lasted long enough for most of her children to
say goodbye..her death has been the hardest on me,my daughter,my older
sibling's. She was our rock,our shoulder to cry on,our friend!! Now that my sister is getting married next 2010 it is bringing up the
fact my parents will not be there and it is painful,very painful.
I feel very much like an orphan..I am jealous of my friend who still have
parent's and I hate feeling this way. Does anyone else feel this way?
