Honoring a Father Who Has Passed On
For Father’s Day, There are Many Ways to Remember a Deceased Father
A parent's death is a hard departure for those left behind. Eventually, the rough pain of the initial wound will usually cauterize into something close to fond remembrance, with loving thoughts and memories.
If there is past abuse, however, those left behind will have to work hard to move past their anger and outrage. But if the family background is healthier and happier, then there are many ways to honor those fathers who have passed on.
Remembering Dad With a Favorite Dish
Prepare and/or serve the deceased’s favorite dish, whether it is beef stroganoff or cheese pizza.
This is a way to remember joyous times and bring forth the family’s love for that person. Food has long brought people together to talk and visit, and it can still do so, even in these modern, technological times, even if there are empty chairs at the table.
Listening to Dad's Favorite Music
Make a CD of the deceased’s favorite music and listen to it on Father’s Day. Include tunes that are reminders of that person for whatever reason, whether it be George Michael’s "Careless Whisper" or Mozart’s "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik."
Music is a powerful memory maker, and can bring back specific scenes with the beloved person, or general impressions of life as it was.
Visit the Parent's Favorite Place
Spend time in a place that was special to the beloved. This is a way to be as physically close as possible to them. Here, one can serve their favorite food and listen to their favorite music and look at photographs and remember, therefore being close and honoring the memory, which, in fact, keeps the deceased alive in the hearts of all who love and remember.
Visit Your Father's Final Resting Place
For some, the act of visiting a father's grave site or the location where ashes were spread can bring great comfort. For others, it can be stressful, traumatic, and heart-breaking. There is no right or wrong here. Not visiting a grave site does not mean a relative does not hold the deceased in their hearts and minds every day.
Do not perform this act out of duty; it could backfire and create tension and stress and grief. Instead, if one does not feel that they want to visit a grave site, then they can make a dish of the deceased’s favorite food, listen to music loved by the deceased, or spend time in a favorite place of the deceased.
Explore Feelings After a Parent's Death
Write a poem in memory of the deceased, or write down feelings about them, both positive and negative. Write a letter to the deceased. Obviously, it will not be mailed, but it could help heal any misunderstandings in the relationship and help the living move forward. For those with other creative venues, such as painting, dancing, or music, create a new piece in honor of the deceased one, something alive and vibrant that will echo through the universe and be heard who knows how far?
For some, however, memories are filled with pain and a hurtful longing to change the negative past and make it into something it was not. For those with difficult or non-existent relationships with their fathers (or mothers) who have passed on, it is important to let themselves feel what they feel.
Non-Forgiveness of a Deceased Parent
If one feels that a parent has wronged him or her and was unable to resolve the conflict with that parent, mother or father, before that parent passed on, then it can be helpful to remember what Dr Susan Forward wrote about forgiveness in Toxic Parents (Bantam Books, 1989).
Whilst Dr. Forward does not condone revenge as a healer, she does say this: “I felt there was something wrong with unquestioningly absolving someone of his rightful responsibility, particularly if he had severely mistreated an innocent child.
“People can forgive toxic parents, but they should do it at the conclusion – not at the beginning – of their emotional housecleaning. People need to get angry about what happened to them. They need to grieve over the fact that they never had the parental love they yearned for.
“I also believe that forgiveness is appropriate only when parents do something to earn it. Toxic parents, especially the more abusive ones, need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility, and show a willingness to make amends.
“What I have seen over the years is that emotional and mental peace comes as a result of releasing yourself from your toxic parents’ control, without necessarily having to forgive them.” Dr. Forward concludes by saying that responsibility should be placed on the shoulders of the parent or parents, where it belongs.
But for those with more positive memories of their father, there are many ways to honor a deceased father on Father’s Day. Each is unique to the individual choosing it. Whilst families grieve the loss of a loved one, it has been shown that truly, in essence, the family grieves for themselves because things have irrevocably changed. They will no longer have that person to consult, talk and laugh with, and simply sit quietly next to, taking comfort from the very presence and state of not being alone.
Finding ways to remember, if not joyously, then contentedly, those fathers who have passed on is an important part of dealing with grief and loss and helping oneself move forward in life. And there are just as many ways of remembering as there are people on this Earth.
Remembering Fathers Who Have Passed On
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Honoring Fathers Who Have Died
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