The Dos and Don'ts of Apologizing

Tips for Saying Sorry Effectively

Jul 21, 2008 Shari Brewer

An apology should address the specific incident which caused harm or hurt and it should be delivered sincerely. There is, however, much more involved in saying sorry.

According to the Perfect Apology website, “an effective apology is both a science and an art”. The “science” is considered to be the components of an effective apology and the “art” is said to be the way in which the apology is delivered, both combining to achieve the intended goal, forgiveness. There are definitely dos and don’ts when it comes to saying sorry!

10 Top Tips for Apologizing Well

Acknowledge Your Wrong and Take Responsibility

Before apologizing carefully consider the incident and what it is that has caused the other person hurt. Own your role in this and accept responsibility for your wrong.

Make an Apology, Not an Excuse

Avoid any form of justifier such as “if” or “but”. There are no ifs and buts when you are genuinely sorry. Acknowledge the other person’s hurt and sincerely tell them you are sorry for what has happened.

Sound Sincerely Sorry and Look the Part

When offering a verbal apology do be sure to create and maintain eye contact, use a pleasant tone of voice and open body language. Crossed arms or hands on hips will not convey sincerity at all.

Practice to Make Your Apology Perfect

Practice your apology. Write down all that you intend to say and practice it aloud if you plan on apologizing face to face. If you are preparing a written apology, leave a first draft and return to it later as upon second look there may be things you wish to change before sending it.

Apologize Sooner Rather than Later

Don’t leave it too long after the event before apologizing. Avoiding an apology and waiting to say sorry will not only further alienate the other person, but will make saying that sorry even harder. Aside from time to plan and prepare the apology, sooner rather than later is best.

Ask for Forgiveness

An apology is offered in search of forgiveness when a wrong has been made. When making an apology it is fine and fair to ask forgiveness but at all cost you should never demand to be forgiven, nor should you beg to be. Depending on the degree of hurt experienced by the other party, it is possible that forgiveness may take time, if it is to happen at all. Do not despair or give up hope entirely though as it may be that you are forgiven once the recipient of your apology has had some take up time.

Make Sure You Mean it when You Say Sorry

An apology is worthless unless it is a sincere sorry. If you are not truly apologetic then don’t bother as a fake and half-hearted can actually make a bad situation worse. Most people on the receiving end of an obviously insincere apology would probably prefer not to have been apologized to at all.

The Importance of Time and Place when Apologizing

A private apology giving you the opportunity to really open up and talk is a great idea if it can be managed. This also reduces the likelihood of other people involving themselves in what may not be their business. Of course if the issue is a public one and the other person was embarrassed by you with others around then they are owed an apology in front of those others.

Forgive Yourself after You Have Apologized

Whether or not your apology is accepted by the other part, after saying sorry forgive yourself. If you have acknowledged your wrong, taken responsibility for causing hurt, offered restitution and delivered a sincere apology then there is little left in your control. Learn a lesson from the experience and move on.

Don’t Repeat the Bad

Actions speak loudly and so always back up your apology with affirmative action taking great care not to repeat the same mistake. Saying sorry will certainly lose its effectiveness if you continue to repeat similar behaviour to that which caused the initial problem. Show that you have learnt from the experience and honour the person by modifying the hurtful behaviour.

When all is said and done an apology requires not only courage to admit a wrong and take responsibility for it, but also a commitment to ensuring the hurt does not continue. If you need to make an apology and would like some tips on how to best deliver it, consider the article When Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word for some great suggestions!

The copyright of the article The Dos and Don'ts of Apologizing in Personal Development is owned by Shari Brewer. Permission to republish The Dos and Don'ts of Apologizing in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

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