The Empty Bed by Susan Wallbank - Book Review
Bereavement Book Explores Effects of Loss of Significant Loved One
Sep 25, 2009 Christine Fadhley
The Empty Bed by Susan Wallbank should be essential reading for anybody who is in a relationship. The problem with relationships is that eventually they all come to an end - some through divorce but many more through death.
Many prefer to avoid thinking about the possibility of the death of a partner/spouse. This view creates a problem for Western society, since it means that when death does occur, people are woefully unprepared to face one of the biggest transitions in life.
Losing a Loved One Changes Everything
Susan Wallbank describes in some detail how bereavement affects the survivor. Being in a marriage or intimate partnership is a kind of joint enterprise where each partner takes on specific roles. Wallbank explains that when one of the partners dies, the survivor loses all of the support they received from that person and now has to learn how to compensate for that loss.
It can be very hard for the remaining partner to learn how to step into their shoes; they may have to learn new skills, cooking, car maintenance, fixing fuses, etc. This can be extremely difficult when one is going through a time of grieving.
"Friends May Cross the Road to Avoid Meeting You" says Wallbank
It is a sad fact that many people cannot handle death or bereavement and will try to avoid situations where they will have to meet the surviving partner. Wallbank says that often they will go to lengths to avoid such meetings.
Another harsh reality is that people are often defined by their friends as part of a couple, and when one of the couple has died, it changes the basis of friendship. Bereavement is a time when true friends will stay in contact, while other less solid friends may disappear like the morning dew.
The First Three Years of Bereavement are the Worst
Wallbank explains that the first year following the death of a spouse or partner is the toughest as one faces anniversaries, holidays and festivals as a single person. Experiencing these events alone can be very hurtful and it emphasizes the loss. One feels terribly alone and disorientated and painful pangs of grief can be "triggered" by memories of the deceased loved one.
The second year, she goes on to describe as "hard work with little reward" as the survivor tries to rebuild their life. It is difficult to make new relationships and to find new ways of being. The pain is still there, but over time, it starts to subside gradually.
The third year is when the hard work begins to bear fruit and one's life starts to become somewhat easier. By the third year one may have started to rebuild life as a single person, taking on new interests as an independent person – not half of a couple.
Making New Relationships After Bereavement
Wallbank encourages people to think about making new relationships when the time is right. She describes the difficulties that are often experienced by widows and widowers as family members may try to "protect" them. She also suggests that it is a good idea for survivors to expand their interests to increase their chances of meeting like-minded people.
Bereavement Counseling May be the Answer to Unresolved Grief
Many people become "stuck" in the grieving process and cannot find their way forward as described above. This is often caused by feelings of guilt where there were unresolved issues at the time their partner died. It may also come about where one partner has become highly dependent upon the deceased loved one. Bereavement counseling is a very helpful way of addressing such complex grief.
Resources:
- The Empty Bed by Susan Wallbank, pub. Darton, Longman & Todd, London. ISBN 0-232-51853-X.
The Empty Bed by Susan Wallbank
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