The Power of a Positive No
William Ury's helpful negotiating skills book
William Ury's latest book provides excellent and usable negotiation tips for anyone who hates to say no.
William Ury has written an excellent book of negotiating skills that is relevant to everyday life. The Power of a Positive No is an effective how-to of negotiating tips for anyone who has ever said yes, when they really wanted to say no but were afraid of the consequences. Ury shows us a step by step negotiation approach to saying no that is easy to follow, provides us with insight about our true interests, and can lead to a win/win for all concerned.
The Difficulty of Saying No
Ury describes the word no this way: "The most powerful and needed word in the language today is also potentially the most destructive and, for many people, the hardest to say." Because we fear losing favor in relationships, both personal and professional, we don't like to say no. Saying no engages a conflict between exercising our power for our own self-interests and tending to our relationships.
Therefore, we tend to:
- Accommodate by saying yes when we really wanted to say no,
- Attack by saying no poorly and triggering a conflict, or
- Avoid by not addressing the issue at all.
Ury calls this the Three-A Trap: Accommodate, Attack, Avoid.
How to Say No and Still Get to Yes
When faced with saying a difficult no, use Ury's clever three part reminder for giving a positive no: the three word phrase is, Yes! No. Yes?
The first Yes! is a reminder to reflect on what is in your best interest. What do you value that you want to protect by saying no? Perhaps you fear impacting your valued family time if you say yes to your boss's request that you take on a new job involving lots of travel.
This short period of reflection grounds your subsequent no in something positive that is important to you.
Saying No Without Fear or Guilt
Now that you've uncovered the positive foundation for your no, it is time to develop a plan B. What if the requestor refuses to accept your no? You must commit to an action you're prepared to take in that case. Otherwise, your no will sound tentative and be interpreted as a prelude to acceptance.
Commitment to your plan B gives you confidence and power. You know what you will do if the person making the request of you refuses to accept your no. But take some time to make sure your no is stated in a respectful way and is centered on the self-interests you are trying to protect. You don't want to attack the requestor. You want to reflect that your no is a matter of honoring something very important to you.
In the example above, you might say, "Thank you so much for considering me for this new job. I'm flattered and pleased that you thought of me. But I must decline because I've committed to my wife that I will not travel extensively while our children are small and require so much parenting effort."
Your plan B might be an appeal to human resources should your boss resist your no.
Gaining Acceptance with Yes?
After you've said your committed and respectful no, it's time to suggest an alternative. This is the Yes? A positive request to consider another solution. In the above example, you might recommend a co-worker whom you know is eager for a new challenge and has expressed an interest in job related travel.
Saying No in a Positive Way
The Power of a Positive No provides a confidence boosting strategy for anyone who has succumbed to unwanted requests by reluctantly saying yes and then being resentful. Ury's experience as a world-wide negotiator gives credibility to this Yes! No. Yes? strategy.
Related Article: How to Say No and Make it Stick
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