The slight may have been last night, or maybe it was years ago, but the hurt remains. Many religions advocate unconditional forgiveness, but this idea is often presented in such a way as to make it impractical in daily lives. How do you forgive someone who hurt you deeply? Who really deserves forgiveness? Are there such things as unforgivable acts? What if you were the one that committed the offense?
What Forgiveness Really Means
The most common mistake made with forgiveness is to confuse it with "acceptance of a behavior". For many people, the first block to working towards forgiveness at all is the idea that if you forgive a person for something they've done, it means that you accept and approve the behavior. Nothing is furthest from the truth: Forgiveness is the act of releasing resentment and hurt about past actions, but it has nothing to do with the actions of the future. An action that hurts once will likely hurt again, and thus it creates a need for a separate addressing of issues.
Another common misunderstanding is that forgiveness comes like a light switch: one moment you're hurt, and the next minute you're fine. The experience is really more like that of walking down a road and learning more and more about your own feelings and the actions that led to those feelings. There is a reason therapists frequently refer to this as "processing emotions" -- it really is a process. The good news is that this is not a vague process but rather one that most people know very well.
The Steps of Forgiveness
If you have ever suffered any kind of significant loss, you are probably familiar with the grieving process. When you have been seriously hurt by someone, you have also suffered a loss -- a loss of personal security, a loss of trust, a loss of faith, or something more. In this context, you can now understand that the process of forgiveness is exactly the same as the process of grieving. Here's an example of the process with an imaginary slight - your friend has stolen something of value to sell for pocket change.
- Shock. "Ohmygod, I can't believe he did that! How could he do that to me? What the heck was he thinking?!" The reality of the affront is still difficult to grasp.
- Denial. "There must be some mistake. That's just not possible!" Sometimes Shock and Denial come at the same time, but they are slightly different. Denial implies a mental attempt to avoid accepting that this thing has happened. In another context, shock tends to last for only a moment while denial can last a lifetime in some cases.
- Bargaining. "Maybe if I were a better friend, he wouldn't have taken it from me." You are trying to internalize and take responsibility for the affront. If you were somehow a better person, then bad things wouldn't happen. It is a faulty logic, but necessary for the process.
- Anger. "How dare he! Didn't he know that was important to me? That's just wrong! Even if it wasn't important, stealing isn't right!" This is the phase that most people get stuck in, but it is also the phase that has the most potential for growth. Through the energy of Anger, you have the greatest ability to transform yourself, to understand deeper and deeper levels of this experience, but it's also easiest to stay in this phase and spin out, going over and over the affront, reliving and revitalizing the anger.
- Sadness. "We can never be friends again, and that hurts. I'm going to miss him, but I don't want to lose any more of my stuff." This phase is also marked by a sense of helplessness or powerlessness. There's often a feeling that repairing the relationship can never happen or that the item that is lost can never be regained. Staying in this phase too long can lead to Depression.
- Acceptance. "I don't have to live in fear of my things being stolen, and I don't have to not talk to my friend. I can confront him about it and let him know that I was hurt but that he's forgiven. Just don't take my things anymore, or it will be the end of the friendship." Acceptance is the part that you want to get to quickly, but it only comes after you've been through the other phases. This is the "a-ha" moment when you realize that you have power over the situation and can act accordingly in the future.
Once is Not Enough
Many times, you have to go through the entire process more than once. You get through it the first time, and you feel okay, but then later, you find yourself angry about it, either because someone else brought it up or something unrelated reminded you of it. It's okay to have to work through the process again because each time you do, you learn something different about it and yourself.
Forgiveness is important for you and for others. It is not the property of any god-head or religious organization. It is the right and the responsibility of every single person, and you can apply it to yourself as much as to anyone else.
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