When Perfectionism Becomes Painful
How to Stop Being a Perfectionist and Develop Self-Acceptance
Nov 9, 2009
There's a fine line between doing a job well and doing it perfectly. Crossing that line into perfectionism becomes painful when it means working to exhaustion, neglecting family and friends to perfect a project, fretting over tiny details that don't really matter in the end, or covering up true feelings and experiences in order to maintain a perfect image. Self-acceptance goes a long way to help a person stop being a perfectionist.
What is Perfectionism?
Doing a perfect job, completing a project without flaws, and always being on top of things can be rewarding until it takes over; "it" meaning the compulsive need to be perfect at all times.
Anger, anxiety and depression are strong companions to perfectionism - fueling it, feeding it, and ensuring the cycle continues. Here are some signs and symptoms of perfectionism:
- Tweaking details endlessly;
- Over concern about image;
- Self-critical with mistakes;
- Critical of others' imperfections;
- Stressed and anxious about projects;
- Frustrated when things get off track; and
- Depressed or angry when things don't turn out.
If you find yourself repeating the mantra, "if you want something done right, do it yourself," or "no one else knows how to do it properly," or the extreme, "I'm living/working with idiots," you may be a perfectionist.
How Self-Acceptance Heals Perfectionism
Underneath the need to be perfect is a fear of being imperfect. Embedded in this is the idea that imperfect equals bad or wrong and that if others discover imperfection, then judgment, rejection and abandonment will ensue.
Those caught in the cycle of a need for perfection, an obsession with doing everything well, and fear of making mistakes were usually raised in a critical environment. They may have had a demanding, perfectionist parent. Or perhaps their siblings or teachers constantly criticized and belittled them. Somewhere along the road to adulthood, they decided that in order to be accepted and loved, they would have to be perfect. It becomes an all or nothing dichotomy. Here are six steps for healing this pattern.
- Tame the inner critic. Most people have a critical voice in their head that pops up from time to time to correct, judge or sabotage, but perfectionists have a full-time live-in one that quietly whispers reasons to do it right and perfect all the time. Learn to recognize and tame your inner critic so it doesn't dominate.
- Build self-esteem. Read books, take workshops or seek counseling to build true self-esteem that comes from within and isn't affected by what happens externally. As you learn to feel good enough, you'll lighten up and enjoy life more.
- Find value in mistakes. Instead of judging mistakes as errors, see the valuable lessons in them. How would people learn, grow and evolve without the trial and error of mistakes?
- Appreciate imperfection. Instead of viewing imperfections in self and others as a problem, appreciate the uniqueness and diversity that imperfection creates. What would life be like if everyone was exactly the same?
- Let go of the details. When you feel the tension and stress from spending too much time going over details and perfecting projects, practice letting go. Take a break, do something else, say enough is enough and move on.
- Learn to love yourself. Practice self-love by actively loving yourself with positive self-talk, kindness and self-nurturing behaviors. This will soothe the underlying fear of rejection and abandonment for not being perfect.
When people meet their underlying needs for approval, acceptance and love, by giving these to themselves, they no longer need to appear perfect to others. The fear of rejection and abandonment dissipate as joy and lightness take over.
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